Light up, bitch.
We’re going nowhere tonight but the stars.
Light headed yet?
Pass out.
We’re going nowhere but right here.
You want to fly?
I’ll take you far away.
I’ve learned to hate the words, “I just want you to get better.” I’ve learned to hate the words, “I don’t know how to help you.” I’ve learned to hate that I do not help myself nor know how to. That I believe with all my heart that someone else can make it better. Whatever IT is. I cannot ask for comfort nor care knowing that it will not be provided. I cannot ask you to read my mind since I can’t even hear my own thoughts time to time. I guess I expect too much. But you’ve helped me in ways I can’t even express. I don’t know why that made me stop. What made me check. What made me feel like it was YOU talking. I don’t know how. But you saved me.
Thoughts
He wrapped his thoughts around her like a straightjacket would a criminal.
He lay mazes in her mind—constant twists and turns. Dead ends. He gave her little to no relief. Only time to time, silencing her complaints with his sensually soothing voice. It was something that cut through her dry, torn body like no razor or knife—but it relaxed her. But….
There was a certain elegance
about the way it slowly dripped
from her wrists. The dark red
silk, I mean. Or at least that’s what it reminded me of.
It made her faint, slightly out of this world.
It gave her fingertips this wonderfully frightening numbing sensation—
like she had let her entire hand fall asleep.
It became something that warmed and worried her at the same time.
Or sometimes not at all.
Dangerously comforting—knowing it hurt but not stopping until her skin was torn open
letting her life seep from the cuts she had made.
It was a trance of sorts. Something to merely occupy her time when there was nothing to be done or felt. She was sad. For a number of reasons. Some explainable, others not at all. I don’t think she could tell you half the time just what was wrong with her. Why her skies were always so grey. Why she lived in a fog—a dry, dull sense of reality.
Everything was too heavy. It got to the point where it hurt her to breathe. Where she was being crushed by her own ribs—lungs imprisoned in a cage of doubt, pain, and suffering. Thoughts overbearing—overwhelming her to the point of pointless tears. Sobbing until there was nothing left to sob. She’d cry her own blood of she had the chance— I feel.
I only want to breathe. Why is that so wrong?
I’ll sit here hours upon hours just wondering why it is that I’m not allowed to see the person that makes my days shine brighter, the stars sing louder, and my heart grow fonder. I’ll wonder why it’s so wrong to want to sit beside the person who you can imagine yourself living the rest of your life with…why it’s so wrong to want to hold their hand or be by their side whenever you damn well want to. I’ll wander the back of my mind, trying to figure just why it is they think I’m so wrong and so different….why I seem like I just can’t be alone…but he found me when I felt so lost and he hasn’t let me go no matter what hardships we face. I just don’t understand what’s so wrong with wanting to be with him. I don’t understand where my freedom went or where the love went or where the peaceful family home lifestyle went…why there’s more stress and frustration, anger and misunderstandings…why it’s wrong even when I DO want to be alone. I don’t understand many things about this world nor the people that have raised me in it. But I do know that the longer they keep from the one thing that makes me happy, the harder it’ll be to live how they want me to live.
Summer 2011
Get me out of here.
I swear to you that this’ll work out. I’ll see you every day that I can. Just like we always promise each other. I’m here for you always and forever. I’ll be there in a heartbeat if you need me. No matter what. You’re my everything and I can’t wait to see you again. I miss you. I’ll be dreaming of holding you tonight.
I couldn’t imagine anyone loving me more than I love you
I’m sorry.
Tell me….
why are you standing there alone?
Don’t you need someone to hold too?
Things are gonna look up soon.
I promise. This’ll all get happier.
For all of us.
You’ve uhh..you certainly….
You’ve really grown, haven’t you?
I remember when I asked you not to grow up without me.
Practically begged, really.
I remember when you said you would never.
We’d grow up together….
We said a lot of things…
I told him that I remembered the first time he told me he loved me
I told him the whole story and how I loved him for it
since no one had ever said it like that to me
and he looked up at me and kissed me gently
whispering I love you
and I swear to God I’ve never loved him more than I did just then.
He’s perfect.
So perfect.
He lay back down on my chest and I stroked his hair.
I love you too.
So much.
THIN.
STICK THIN.
I want to see your bones.
I want your hips to jut out of your skin.
and your spine to be shown.
I want you to look broken.
Skinless.
Diseased.
Fragile.
I want you hungry.
Hunger is beauty.
I want you to disappear when you turn around.
Worry.
I want people to worry about you.
When you’re unhealthy,
you’ll be beautiful.
After all, beauty is only skin deep.
Tears welled up in my eyes
and this sort of hatred grew in me.
I could feel my blood run cold
as my eyes grew warmer.
The first tear fell and I felt dislike
I didn’t know what to do
My throat closed up and I felt worse
I wanted to throw things
More fell and I hated.
I hate you.
I hate you and how you hate me.
You killed me and I hate you for it.
How could you.
I hate you.
Hate.
Hate.
Hate.
But mostly…I don’t hate you.
Not really at all.
But I should.
